5 weeks postpartum and PAL reflections
After the safe arrival of our daughter, now 5 weeks postpartum, I’ve been reflecting on the pregnancy journey and I can wholeheartedly say it was absolutely, completely and utterly the second hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and get through, second that is only to saying goodbye to Herbert that final time…
Well, its been a little while since my last post. I had intended to do the final PAL post on the 4th August, however our third and final child had other ideas. I’ve since been drafting a blog post all about the birth, the trauma of it all. It was really fucking awful, James and I were hyper sensitive to every single thing in theatre - sights, smells, sounds, tools, people, everything. I was basically an absolute mess where I was imagining feeling pinches when they were checking if my spinal was working, those sensations were 100% in my head.
I’d completely forgotten the shrinkage of time with a newborn, how much time is spent feeding, changing nappies, trying to feed and hydrate your own body, laundry and house duties, and that you can only use one hand when you are feeding means I’ve not been able to make the time to finish it. I’d like to do a fairly long post about the birth and those immediate days/weeks. So this is just a quick little update.
“A very wise friend said “you don’t realise how heavy something is until you put it down” and my goodness, it couldn’t reflect PAL better. ”
For those that haven’t seen my socials posts - we had a baby girl at 12:23pm, Friday 4th August after my waters very unexpectedly broke at 38+1, prior to my planned c-section on the 10th August. Delivered by c-section - Rani Rafaella Robbie Welsh (meaning Queen | Healer | Bright, Queen - one of my nicknames, Healer - as she’s bringing and brought a lot of healing for us, and Bright - a connection to Herb and sunshine + James’ best mates name) weighed 8 grams more than Herb at 3.198kg, 47 cm long, with a head of soft black hair and greyish/black/blue eyes. She’s a female version of Claude with a hint of Herb.
Being on the other side of pregnancy after loss (PAL) I’ve really reflected on how bloody hard it was. A very wise friend said “you don’t realise how heavy something is until you put it down” and my goodness, it couldn’t reflect PAL better. I thought I’d articulated it, written about it, journaled it, expressed it, but I’ve realised it was probably twice as hard as I could really comprehend, process and speak of at the time. I’ll write about it more in the longer birth post but essentially the prison that is your body and mind, the inescapable feelings, thoughts, physicality, sensations, emotions, body changes etc. are so unbearable but you’ve got no choice but to go through it all. I’ve mentioned before how my Psychologist said PAL is the ultimate exposure therapy, there’s no way around it, no avoidance, you just have to go through it.
“I am genuinely filled with so much joy. I am immensely grateful. I am happy. But I’m also filled with sadness. She’s a strong reminder of Herb, of what we missed out on with Herb. I’m so sad it’s not his story. I’m still filled with grief. Filled with disbelief we went through what we went through. We said goodbye to our son who was essentially the exact same size as her.”
A small grief wave hit yesterday, tears for Herb, guilt for a number of reasons such as one that his bear with his ashes instead lives next to a picture of him in the lounge instead of next to me in bed. But, I’ve been surprised I haven’t been as emotional as I’d expected since the birth. A lot of the anxieties I was expecting, a lot of the guilt I was anticipating hasn’t been as intense as I thought. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m so distracted and consumed in surviving these early stages; the sleep deprivation, the exhaustion from how physical it is looking after a newborn, the constant feeding, the nipple pain, the endless household duties. I’m very, very, very good and keeping myself busy, my mind occupied. I’m an expert at throwing myself in to stuff to distract, and by stuff that could be anything from an intense work project or undertaking a uni degree to simply staying on top of the washing and the dishes.
When people genuinely ask how I’m going, and it’s usually not explicitly mentioned but an unsaid air it’s asked implying the complexities of a baby after Herb, I answer with “things are good” and they are. Since Rani (RaRa is one of her nicknames) arrived, it’s the first time since Herb I’ve been able to answer “Good” when some one asks how I am. Since Herb I’ve just said “I’m well”, which is grammatically the correct answer, however I haven’t been able to say GOOD for a very long time. But, if I’m being honest, I don’t really know how to answer. I am genuinely filled with so much joy. I am immensely grateful. I am happy. But I’m also filled with sadness. She’s a strong reminder of Herb, of what we missed out on with Herb. I’m so sad it’s not his story. I’m still filled with grief. Filled with disbelief we went through what we went through. We said goodbye to our son who was essentially the exact same size as her. The trauma and the pain is unimaginable. But I wouldn’t change having her now. James and I both agreed just last night that having her makes us wish we could have all three. Despite how adamant we were we were only having two kids and would stop after Herb. We cannot imagine a life without Rani in it.
I came up with the analogy that when someones asks these days or when I think of Herb, it’s like 5 different channels are on the screen playing all at once, you know like picture in picture (which I had a flashback that was a feature on fancy TV’s when I was a kid but no one ever actually used this feature if they had one). There’s one channel playing out life with Herb as though he was healthy and normal, another channel playing where he was born with the disabilities we were told he would be born with if we proceeded and we were battling through the challenges, a channel playing where we had all three, a channel playing where we didn’t go back for a third and just had Claude, and a channel playing out what we actually went through, and I want to tune in to all but none at the same time.
I have moments where I feel guilty for feeling so much joy for Rani, I feel like I’m betraying Herb. I know that’s not true, I have felt his presence since she’s been here, I’ve felt strongly he had a hand in selecting this soul that’s joined us.
From one tired and weary Mum, thanks for all the messages, gifts, meals and check-ins.
Photo: Luelle Images