…I’ve got this unrealistic expectation that I’ve ticked all the boxes of triggering things through the pregnancy because that was so damn hard, and now when things come to smack me around the head, I’m so unprepared they knock me for six.
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After the safe arrival of our daughter, now 5 weeks postpartum, I’ve been reflecting on the pregnancy journey and I can wholeheartedly say it was absolutely, completely and utterly the second hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and get through, second that is only to saying goodbye to Herbert that final time…
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I had felt a grief bomb waiting to come with this baby surpassing the age of Herb dying. The thought of it made me immensely sad. Of course the trauma brain would tell me I won’t get there at all. But, here we are. I hate the fact Herb is not here, I hate the fact he didn’t get to join our family and live a normal life. I hate that he died. I hate my body caught a parasite. I hate my body for letting it cross the placenta….
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35+3 today, the c-section is booked for the 10th August, less than 4 weeks to go. Comparing this pregnancy to Herb’s is difficult to look past. Comparison is a natural, human thing we do, subconsciously, consciously in many different ways. At 34+5 we discovered a problem with Herbie’s brain at a routine appointment with our obstetrician. So, naturally I’ve been stressing out that something would go wrong now.
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Feeling uncomfortable and an impending doom of difficult dates and milestones to get through over the next 5 weeks navigating pregnancy after loss.
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Many would expect when you’ve experienced baby loss something like gender disappointment would be far from your mind. But it isn’t, it’s just another layer on top of the grief and the trauma we experience. Then you add on the guilt from the possible PTSD you experience and then add on guilt for feeling the disappointment. It’s a lot to carry all at once. So, a little post about what many, not all, but many in the loss world might be experiencing.
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